I'm Moving

Please visit my new blog about the anonymous harassment experiences of my partner and me: Domestic Terror

Thanks, and may God bless the targets of anonymous stalking and electronic harassment!

Total Infiltration

My perps have hacked into my company's computer network and my home network. Here's how I know:

1. Working at home on my work-issued laptop, connected to my company's supposedly ultra secure network through a VPN, the perps caused my laptop to shut down by itself three times in 30 minutes. (Literally as if an invisible hand were closing programs one by one, then shutting down, all in sequence.)

I took video of the third incidence and showed it to my network administrator, who freaked out and said there is no other explanation except a hacker intrusion. But after months of trying to figure out how it happened, the network guys gave up. They call it their "biggest unsolved mystery" (with a chuckle nowadays) but what I would give if somehow I could convince them of the malicious reality of what happened.

2. Using my wireless network, the perps can interfere with any audio file I play on my home computers. They can cause it to stop and rewind, to make sounds like a record being scratched, or simply to stop the playback. (The same audio file plays fine on other peoples' computers in other locations.) I have audio recording of this happening. They love to do this when I am playing my morning "Course in Miracles" lesson before my meditation. But it has stopped since I turned the wireless network off, and began using an ethernet (cabled) network only.

My perps infiltrate my work location and crouch above the ceiling tiles above my work space, and tap on the ceiling fixtures above any meeting room I am in. (Same tapping pattern every time, every meeting I attend. Two colleagues who routinely attend the same meetings have noticed the "odd tapping" but of course there is no way I could postulate what it really is!)

This did not start happening at work until after one evening when I accessed my corporate network via web mail over my home wireless network. I figure that was when they found their "tunnel" into our corporate LAN, thus, into my Outlook email, thus they know every meeting location where I am.

Brilliant fellers, huh? But they seem so frustrated that I realize exactly what they are doing, and simply have learned to ignore it. Which is really not that hard to do once you get over the sheer absurdity of the intimidation attempt. Because, let's get real, just how threatening can a perp be when he is crouching in the crawl space above your work cube?

The Usual Routines

The form my harassment takes has evolved as the perpetrators work incessantly to find the techniques that are most effective at pushing my buttons. The good news is, I have evolved as well, spiritually, so my ability to match their latest demonstration of "shock and awe" is more finely tuned.

It's quite the head fuck to be aware that a group of individuals you do not know, but realize have to be living almost under your nose, are working quite literally 24/7 to break you down. I cannot imagine the death toll from adult bullies worldwide; it would not surprise me if thousands of people have committed suicide because they could not deal with the cruel anonymous handiwork of perpetrators who never will be known or face justice.

For years, the harassment was mild -- nothing more than anonymous calling out of my name in public places. I lived in Washington, D.C., at that time, and usually would hear my name called out several times, by different sounding voices, while walking to and from the subway stations.

As is often the case with anonymous harassment, the victim thinks he or she is delusional. And I did think that for quite a while. But the fact that the name that was being called out was my "childhood" name, a name I had not used since adulthood back in my home town, told me something very real was afoot. My delusions wouldn't be THAT creative.

And on it progressed. There was a period where certain types of men I had fantasized about aloud while having sex with my partner would magically appear in my path almost every time I left my apartment building. It's a bizarre experience, because you immediately realize something is unusual. I will not go into details, but my sexual preferences were very specific about types of men I was into.

And for several months, they would be littering my path to the grocery store, leering at me and grabbing their crotches. My partner noticed right off the bat, but did not at the time believe it possible this was a set up.

For quite some time now, the harassment regimen has been "set." The strategy: ruin my sleep. The tactic: A sharp cracking noise wakes me up from a dead sleep many nights, usually at 3 am on the dot. My partner often will wake up with me as well.

If he gets up to take a piss, nothing more will happen and usually I will sleep through the night. However, should he quickly fall asleep, and I get up to piss, I can almost be assured what will transpire next.

Between two and five minutes after I come back to bed, I feel as if I'd downed an espresso. My heart begins to pound in my chest, and I can actually hear my heart beat inside my eardrums. The "neighbors" clearly have switched on some type of electromagnetic wave generator that causes this phenomenon, which my partner also has experienced several times.

(Some believe the perpetrators use the Lida Machine to create this effect on people. Who knows? All I know is, it is real. I meditate every day and am quite aware of my resting heart rate. It isn't even a question whether some piece of technology is causing this immediate heart rush in me...)

Often the palpitations coincide with slight tingly, itchy sensations at random spots on the body, something my partner also has experienced. But the perpetrators are very careful to flip the machines off when he is awake; apparently they somehow do not believe he really knows this is real.

The good news: most nights I can fall back asleep even with the heartbeat machine operating. The sleep may be light, and I usually can tell the next day that I did not sleep adequately, but at least they do not keep me up all night any longer.

Once again, the bottom line is the desire to fuck with my head. The first few times this happened, I was borderline suicidal. Nowadays, my spiritual walk has equipped me to remain alert, aware, in the moment, but not panicked or even angry. I work through the situation by repeating mantralike one or more sentences such as: "I am sustained by the love of God," or "God is here with me in this very room. He is holding my hand and no harm can come to me."

And lately, I have worked like a fiend to inculcate the notion that, despite their reprehensible behavior, the perpetrators nonetheless are holy, precious Children of God, as are we all. I MUST accept this as true, in fact. It is the cornerstone of the path I feel God is taking me down.

But I hope you can pardon me for having a hard time forgiving this kind of crap. It is a mighty struggle to not lapse into hatred.

Confiding in Others

When every day of your life is dominated by experiences with anonymous harassment, there is a constant desire and urge to tell others. And yet, this proposition is fraught with the peril that one will be dismissed, considered sick, or will be dismissed as "a tad odd."

Aware of these caveats, my partner and I nonetheless have carefully, and with much forethought and planning, told several close friends and confidants about being anonymously stalked and harassed, both verbally and electronically. Of course, we have told no one the full extent of this admittedly hard-to-comprehend scenario, but we relate what I think of as the "most likely to be understood" aspects of being stalked.

People we have told include:
1. Two close friends at my church
2. My partner's direct report and his supervisor
3. Two of my closest colleagues at work.

In each case, we have felt much trepidation launching these disclosures. But they all happened on the heels of a dramatic torturing activity that left me, quite frankly, suicidal. Folks closest to us knew we were dealing with something distressing and since my typical demeanor is calm, steady and optimistic, the people listed above were naturally curious about what was going on when my partner and I suddenly took off work so I could deal with this vicious attack and aftermath.

I don't say this without a lot of reflection, but in my opinion no one we have told does NOT believe us. Now, if I forthrightly explained a typical day in our lives, especially at the house where all manner of absurd bullshit is occurring almost every hour, our cred with these folks might be a big fat ZERO.

But I am thankful our story is out there, in limited, but judicious, fashion.

My deep hope and belief is that, one day in the next 20 years, this organized harassment will be exposed in a lawsuit by someone who manages to catch these motherfuckers at their perverse game. But until that time, the best we can do is:

1. Use this adversity as the most perfect opportunity ever given a person to deep dive spiritually, and to learn how one's integrity, perseverance, and humility can transform a nightmare into a true blessing and pathway for rapid personal growth. (I say this with all seriousness, as I have come to see nothing could have propelled me into the exciting, hopeful faith I now have in a Higher Power to help me literally transcend this hatred.

2. Describe our lives and our stories. Try to remain calm in the face of attacks and the various "freak out" tactics these sick people employ from time to time. But keep a detailed diary, and name names if you hear anyone's name being referred to during the harassment you hear. (My chief perps until recently have been Rick and Ron, and I delight in the possibility that one day I will find their names on a felons list.)

3. Consider your trials and tribulations in the context of the greater world of suffering and pain. I am alive, and I have joy and peace on a daily basis. I have learned that pressure cookers are where the diamonds emerge. And I am a diamond in the rough by now, on his way to pure brilliance. And a sad, pathetic collection of malevolent individuals must confront the fact that THAT has been their chief impact on this so called "Targeted Individual victim."

Searching for Divine Help

I have turned to "A Course in Miracles" for spiritual guidance on handling the anonymous harassment my partner and I face. Its best known teacher, Marianne Williamson, has provided me with hope that God can turn this nightmare into a blessing for me and for the universe.

But my faith rests on a thin hope sometimes.

After two consecutive nights of being electronically zapped such that we could not sleep both nights, I began to doubt how this spiritual path could help me to overcome. This is an email I wrote Marianne (she is available by email as a member of her Miracle Matrix).

I will post a response if I get one.

Marianne:

I am a relatively new student of ACIM, and began committed, daily study and meditation after reading all of Marianne's books on one very exciting weekend. You could say I experienced a "pre-ACIM" miracle when God (whom I had given up on) decided to call me to him through the words of Marianne.

My motivation for investigating Marianne's teachings is quite bizarre and likely will be difficult for you to believe. My partner and I are aggressively, yet anonymously, stalked and harrassed 24/7.

Through the use of little-known, and yet publicly documented, technology pioneered for use by the military and secret service agencies as psychological operations weaponry, we are surveilled in our house and subject to various inexplicable electronically induced phenomena. Also, various mind-game tricks are played on us whenever we are in public.

This is the place where you might suggest a shrink. But let me assure you, I am in the care of a wonderful psychiatrist, whose early suspicions of delusional psychosis quickly gave way to a surprising, unreserved affirmation that what I am reporting to him must be real.

The purpose of the harassment seems to be to cause us to think we are insane, or to commit suicide because we can never escape the harassment. (Having our names called out but not being able to see the perpetrator, or being subjected to some type of electromagnetic wave from an adjacent rental home at night, so that we cannot sleep and feel queasy, etc.)

Why this is happening, we have no idea. This phenomenon, called "gang stalking," is reported by thousands of people worldwide. Google the terms "gang stalking," or "electronic harassment," and you will be opened up to a silent Holocaust of sorts. Women of Greenham Common, England, who protested U.S. bases in the 1970s, were subjected to a large-scale harassment of this type. (http://www.geocities.com/adrian9999999999/greenham.htm) Author Gloria Naylor ("Brewster Place") is a victim as well, and documented her experience in the book, "1996."

We are often dismissed as crazy, and some of these activities do indeed cause victims to become wildly paranoid. But these are simply effects of a very real, and yet almost unprovable, malicious cause.

I am writing Marianne for help in dealing with this situation by application of ACIM principles. I thank God that the principles of ACIM were shown me so that I could endure this nightmare.

My obstacle is this: As you can imagine, it is quite a stretch to practice offering forgiveness, and bearing no grievances, against the cruel, pathological renegades who have turned our house into a torture chamber for their amusement.

I therefore am quite blocked in being able to incorporate ideas such as "My attack thoughts against my harassers is keeping me in Hell." Or that "Forgiving my harassers is the only way I can be saved."

To me, their despicable, inhumane behavior toward us IS Hell. How does one stare true evil in the face and offer forgiveness, Marianne? I'm not speaking about hurt feelings in a relationship -- I am describing anonymous sick humans who want us dead!

And yet, the Holy Spirit is telling me He/She has brought me to the only place where my safety and survival are assured. So I am hopeful, but young in understanding, and feel like: "God, I believe; help thou my unbelief."

Marianne, it seems too much of a stretch for a mortal like me to view my attackers as holy, even as I see myself as holy. Theoretically, I can grasp that they are perfect examples of the Son of God in prison. But this is not theory, it is real, and painful.

I feel like I have been handed one of the more enormous leaps of faith to attempt, and although I know the Holy Spirit is the helper, I have not been able to see how this could possibly work.

My prayer is that someone as astute in matters of the spirit as you will see that this phenomenon is truly real, and there are Sons of God who live with this terror every day. Since God always has us in the only place and time we should be in, how can this be? How can I understand?

Yours in gratefulness for what has been learned so far...

These Perps Have a Name

For almost the entire time I have known that I am under surveillance and being harassed anonymously, I also have known the name of my main harassers. (True modern-day Hitlers, as you will come to understand reading this blog.) The Chief Perpetrator is named Ron, and his technical go-to boy is named Rick.

How do I know this? Because I hear them calling to each other pretty much every hour of my waking life. Sounds weird, I know, but it's true. The surveillance operation likely is built on a communication system that uses laser technology to eavesdrop on us, and sonar technology to broadcast voices to me. I can't figure out whether this happens through a sound projection device (like the Audio Spotlight) or through what the U.S. military has developed and calls "voice to skull."

Both sound like something out of a Martian movie, and thus people who are harassed with these technologies seldom are taken seriously. But they exist (click the links above to check them out), and they are most likely used on innocent people all over the world. I have come to understand that they are used on me, after years of thinking maybe I was crazy.

How does this relate to my Sunshine Boys Rick and Ron? At times, I can hear them talking to each other -- obviously via some type of network that I am able to hear somehow. I don't usually hear their conversations, which are too muffled to understand. But I clearly hear their calls to each other.

A typical scenario involves Ron barking out a "Rick," which often is followed within seconds by a ping on my TV set, or the sound of Rick's voice calling out my name near a window. Clearly these tricksters have bugged the ventilation shafts of the house, because Rick's voice often can be heard calling out my name from right around the vents.

After all these years of experiencing this, it rates as a minor hassle and in some ways an absurd joke. The idea that these two goons would think that I am still perplexed, or freaked out, by their voice trickery, is amusing. But it is their primary method of ensuring hourly harassment of me--and of building up their tenuous macho self-esteem by fucking with innocent people--so the practice persists.

What're the Odds?

At a busy local bookstore near your home, you wander over to the periodicals section and begin browsing amidst a cluster of other shoppers. Standing near the end of one aisle, thumbing through a mag, you overhear a Hispanic male talking low (ostensibly into a cell phone). He says:

“Are you going to fly out to DC now for Ryan’s surgery, or are you going to wait until Laura comes home?”

You’re instantly overcome with a cold chill and your entire body feels paralyzed. The cell phone talker is repeating almost verbatim a conversation you had with your partner around 10 pm last night.

After a few seconds, you round the corner of the aisle, and spot four people, but no one appears to be talking on a cell phone. And you are less than five feet from the door of the store.

You imagine that one of the persons you see could have been having that conversation, but of course you do not know anything for sure. And because of your proximity to the door, you have no idea who has just entered or who has left.

You do know, however, that your conversations are being eavesdropped upon. And they chose a nifty way to make sure you knew.

Relief: He Hears It Too!

Most evenings, while watching television on the couch, you notice the faint murmur of human voices coming from the window to your left. The sound is indistinct – you can’t make out a single word the group is saying – but undoubtedly human.

It’s somewhat like being in a room next door to a conference gathering, where you hear the hum of a lot of conversations. Just a smaller group – and, oh yes, every once in a while, you do hear one word quite clearly: your name.

You notice that if you move to the floor, and lay on a cushion, to watch TV, the sounds do not occur. But return to your typical spot on the couch, and badabing, the voices return almost instantly.

At one point you look across the room at your partner and say,” Can’t you hear those voices? It’s like people outside our window.” He looks at you sadly, and shakes his head no. You feel a frustration like nothing you’ve ever felt.

Until one evening when your partner is sitting in your normal place. His eyes light up for a moment, and he looks almost embarrassed. You glance intently at him and ask, “What is it?” And he says those words you have longed to hear for years: “I heard them. Until a few seconds ago, I heard a group talking.”

You almost cry in relief.

Pop! Ping! Bling!

One weekend afternoon when your partner is out running errands, you decide to get off your ass and do the laundry. You rise from the couch, and walk into the bedroom to stuff the clothes into the hamper. Upon entering the room, you hear a loud “ping” popping noise coming from the adjacent window. “Not a normal noise,” you think.

You walk into the back of the bedroom and lean over to assemble the dirty clothes into the hamper. “Pop!” – there it goes again! This time, from the window directly above your head.

You drag the laundry hamper down the stairs into the basement and dump the clothes onto the floor. As you walk over toward the washer and dryer – you guessed it – “Ping”! Pop! It seems as if the window is going to explode in front of your eyes.

You roll your eyes, because you realize more clearly than ever that SOMEONE is outside with a fancy piece of technology, aiming at your windows to give you a fright as you move through your home. They want you to know you are watched, and essentially, invaded. And it works quite well, at least to get you royally pissed.

The Electronic Sound Show Begins

You turn on the television to watch the nightly news, and sink into the couch. Maybe five minutes later, a sharp singular “pop” noise, like a staccato cracking, bolts out from the television. At first you are stunned and wonder what on earth that was all about. Twenty minutes later, the same sound – this time slightly louder – occurs again.

You try to recall any cracking noise you have ever heard come from your television set, or from any piece of electronics for that matter. The first thing that comes to mind is that you never, once in your life have given this thought. But, you think you can remember that at times the TV will give off a slight crackling “pop” noise within a few minutes of being turned off. Yes, that does happen, you remember more clearly now.

But this is no subtle crackling pop. This sounds like the freaking TV is about to explode. It begins to sink in that someone is playing an electronically delivered trick on you; some distant bomber is pointing an electronic spear at your devise and firing it off. (You later learn via the Internet exactly how this is done.)

As the months go by, this sound occurs almost invariably whenever you sit down to watch TV. Your partner notices it as well, but argues vociferously with you that, “It’s just the goddamned TV! It is getting old. Stop being so paranoid!”

You point out the huge difference between the normal sounds of a turned-off TV, a sound everyone would recognize as familiar when they heard it, and THIS sound. This is not a “normal” sound. Your partner shrugs his shoulders, and you sulk.

The Bastards Move In

As is your usual wake-up custom, you lie in the bed after your partner has left for the day, watching the "Today" show before arising to shower. The television is on low volume, but you occasionally seem to hear another sound: someone calling out your voice. It happens immediately after the heater kicks on, like clockwork.

After noticing this twice or three times, you head into the bathroom to shave and shower. Upon turning on the water in the sink, once again – you hear the distinct, but low, sound of someone calling out your name. It appears to be coming from behind you, around the kitchen window that is adjacent to the bathroom. The same low male voice you have heard before, outside.

You jump in the shower, and the single voice becomes a chorus. Occasionally, through the sound of the shower water, you hear different voices calling out your name. One sounds Hispanic, one is a woman, and one is the familiar low drone of a voice you are coming to know quite well. The constant calling out continues until you turn off the water, then all is silent again.

The lowlifes have taken up residence. They want to have a word with you, all the time.

Early Doubts: Delusional or Real?

Two months pass, and you’ve come to expect to hear certain voices you now well recognize calling out your name from a distance whenever you venture outside. Standing in line at the pharmacy. Walking through a mall. In Costco. At a city park. Wherever.

Going outside the house becomes a matter for trepidation. You seethe with anger and resentment at the fact that someone – something? – is inhibiting you, closing you down, making you fearful. But fearful of what? Inhibited for what reason? You don’t know how to think about this phenomenon, which feels very personal, very cruel, and very well planned.

Worst of all, you live with someone who does NOT experience it. By and large, when the two of you are out together, you do NOT hear anyone calling out your name. This "special behavior" clearly is intended just for you, lucky you.

At times you find yourself thinking what you know anyone else would think if you told them what you experience: This cannot be real. The voices must be in your head. You scamper to the Internet and spend hours reading about delusional psychosis and schizophrenia.

Almost immediately, you recognize that the symptoms of those mental afflictions do NOT mirror anything you are experiencing. You are wholly, utterly, connected with reality. You are aware of, and engaged in, every aspect of your life. You have no other type of hallucinations, and you don't hear anyone telling you to DO anything. They just want to make sure you know they are out there, fuckin' with ya.

Plus, it does not FEEL like it’s in your head, since the voices come to you directionally, and occur only under certain circumstances. For example, you never hear your name being called out immediately when you arrive somewhere. There always is a lag of five to 10 minutes.

Once, at the airport, in a crowded terminal, you sit waiting for your guests for more than an hour, and not once do you hear a voice sounding like your name being called out. Rather than feel relief, you feel greater dread, as the experience only confirms that you are being stalked, not deluded. For once the motherfuckers screwed up and simply couldn't find you in the crowd. But as months turn to years, you marvel at how seldom that ever happens.

Calling Your Name on Aisle 11

You discover you are out of a few ingredients for tonight’s dinner. So you pop in the car and head to the nearest grocery store.

Standing in the produce aisle about 30 feet inside the store, selecting a ripe bell pepper, in the distance (out in the parking lot obviously) you hear the sharp, short chirp of your name being called. Same male voice you heard earlier in the day, but this time with an angry tone. You shrug it off, thinking, “No way. Impossible,” as you look around and inventory how many other people are in your vicinity.

Two aisles over, you hear the man again, calling out your name. This time, he’s clearly in the store, a few aisles away. But who, and where? And of course, how could you ever know?

Quickly, you rush toward the front of the store to get a quick look around. You enter the checkout aisle with a rush of fear and anxiety, wondering what the fuck is happening. Who is doing this? And where is the motherfucker? You try to imagine what a person would look like who fits the voice.

But you come up with nothing. Driving back home, you'll wrack your brain trying to understand why this would be happening. But you could never know, or figure out, who the fuck decided to come to the grocery store to harass you anonymously. And that is exactly why this is happening to you.

Welcome to the gang stalker’s lair. You’re in the zone… more than you realize. You are the target, and most likely have been for quite some time. They just now decided to start messin with ya.

Something's In the Air

It’s a sunny spring afternoon, and your Lab seems restless, so you decide to take him to the dog park. You pop his leash on and head out the door, up the hilly streets of your neighborhood and toward the park. Before you havee crossed two blocks, you think you hear someone call out your name from behind you. Except it’s not the name you use now, but the more informal name you used growing up. Strange, you think – not too many folks in this part of the world know you by that name.

Arriving at the dog park, you hear the same male voice again call out your name. This time it seems to come from further away, yet is more of a short yell. At any rate, it’s clear to you that someone has called out your not-so-common name twice in the 10 minutes you’ve been outside.

You run through the list of suspects, but not one person comes to mind. Your partner is at work, and of course he would not be calling out your name from a distance twice within blocks of your house anyway. You’re fairly new in town, and know few other people except for the neighbors, none of whom are home anyway.

And then it hits you again – no one except your partner even knows you go by this name. Just then, you hear it again, but this time it’s a female voice calling to you. Two minutes later, she calls again, but of course you can’t see anyone off in the distance where yoou imagine the voice to have originated.

By the time you finish your walk to the dog park, you count more than 20 shout-outs, and yet you can’t identify a suspect. Who are these stealthy stalkers? Is this all in my head, you wonder? How could it NOT be? Who would do a thing like this?