The form my harassment takes has evolved as the perpetrators work incessantly to find the techniques that are most effective at pushing my buttons. The good news is, I have evolved as well, spiritually, so my ability to match their latest demonstration of "shock and awe" is more finely tuned.
It's quite the head fuck to be aware that a group of individuals you do not know, but realize have to be living almost under your nose, are working quite literally 24/7 to break you down. I cannot imagine the death toll from adult bullies worldwide; it would not surprise me if thousands of people have committed suicide because they could not deal with the cruel anonymous handiwork of perpetrators who never will be known or face justice.
For years, the harassment was mild -- nothing more than anonymous calling out of my name in public places. I lived in Washington, D.C., at that time, and usually would hear my name called out several times, by different sounding voices, while walking to and from the subway stations.
As is often the case with anonymous harassment, the victim thinks he or she is delusional. And I did think that for quite a while. But the fact that the name that was being called out was my "childhood" name, a name I had not used since adulthood back in my home town, told me something very real was afoot. My delusions wouldn't be THAT creative.
And on it progressed. There was a period where certain types of men I had fantasized about aloud while having sex with my partner would magically appear in my path almost every time I left my apartment building. It's a bizarre experience, because you immediately realize something is unusual. I will not go into details, but my sexual preferences were very specific about types of men I was into.
And for several months, they would be littering my path to the grocery store, leering at me and grabbing their crotches. My partner noticed right off the bat, but did not at the time believe it possible this was a set up.
For quite some time now, the harassment regimen has been "set." The strategy: ruin my sleep. The tactic: A sharp cracking noise wakes me up from a dead sleep many nights, usually at 3 am on the dot. My partner often will wake up with me as well.
If he gets up to take a piss, nothing more will happen and usually I will sleep through the night. However, should he quickly fall asleep, and I get up to piss, I can almost be assured what will transpire next.
Between two and five minutes after I come back to bed, I feel as if I'd downed an espresso. My heart begins to pound in my chest, and I can actually hear my heart beat inside my eardrums. The "neighbors" clearly have switched on some type of electromagnetic wave generator that causes this phenomenon, which my partner also has experienced several times.
(Some believe the perpetrators use the Lida Machine to create this effect on people. Who knows? All I know is, it is real. I meditate every day and am quite aware of my resting heart rate. It isn't even a question whether some piece of technology is causing this immediate heart rush in me...)
Often the palpitations coincide with slight tingly, itchy sensations at random spots on the body, something my partner also has experienced. But the perpetrators are very careful to flip the machines off when he is awake; apparently they somehow do not believe he really knows this is real.
The good news: most nights I can fall back asleep even with the heartbeat machine operating. The sleep may be light, and I usually can tell the next day that I did not sleep adequately, but at least they do not keep me up all night any longer.
Once again, the bottom line is the desire to fuck with my head. The first few times this happened, I was borderline suicidal. Nowadays, my spiritual walk has equipped me to remain alert, aware, in the moment, but not panicked or even angry. I work through the situation by repeating mantralike one or more sentences such as: "I am sustained by the love of God," or "God is here with me in this very room. He is holding my hand and no harm can come to me."
And lately, I have worked like a fiend to inculcate the notion that, despite their reprehensible behavior, the perpetrators nonetheless are holy, precious Children of God, as are we all. I MUST accept this as true, in fact. It is the cornerstone of the path I feel God is taking me down.
But I hope you can pardon me for having a hard time forgiving this kind of crap. It is a mighty struggle to not lapse into hatred.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Confiding in Others
When every day of your life is dominated by experiences with anonymous harassment, there is a constant desire and urge to tell others. And yet, this proposition is fraught with the peril that one will be dismissed, considered sick, or will be dismissed as "a tad odd."
Aware of these caveats, my partner and I nonetheless have carefully, and with much forethought and planning, told several close friends and confidants about being anonymously stalked and harassed, both verbally and electronically. Of course, we have told no one the full extent of this admittedly hard-to-comprehend scenario, but we relate what I think of as the "most likely to be understood" aspects of being stalked.
People we have told include:
1. Two close friends at my church
2. My partner's direct report and his supervisor
3. Two of my closest colleagues at work.
In each case, we have felt much trepidation launching these disclosures. But they all happened on the heels of a dramatic torturing activity that left me, quite frankly, suicidal. Folks closest to us knew we were dealing with something distressing and since my typical demeanor is calm, steady and optimistic, the people listed above were naturally curious about what was going on when my partner and I suddenly took off work so I could deal with this vicious attack and aftermath.
I don't say this without a lot of reflection, but in my opinion no one we have told does NOT believe us. Now, if I forthrightly explained a typical day in our lives, especially at the house where all manner of absurd bullshit is occurring almost every hour, our cred with these folks might be a big fat ZERO.
But I am thankful our story is out there, in limited, but judicious, fashion.
My deep hope and belief is that, one day in the next 20 years, this organized harassment will be exposed in a lawsuit by someone who manages to catch these motherfuckers at their perverse game. But until that time, the best we can do is:
1. Use this adversity as the most perfect opportunity ever given a person to deep dive spiritually, and to learn how one's integrity, perseverance, and humility can transform a nightmare into a true blessing and pathway for rapid personal growth. (I say this with all seriousness, as I have come to see nothing could have propelled me into the exciting, hopeful faith I now have in a Higher Power to help me literally transcend this hatred.
2. Describe our lives and our stories. Try to remain calm in the face of attacks and the various "freak out" tactics these sick people employ from time to time. But keep a detailed diary, and name names if you hear anyone's name being referred to during the harassment you hear. (My chief perps until recently have been Rick and Ron, and I delight in the possibility that one day I will find their names on a felons list.)
3. Consider your trials and tribulations in the context of the greater world of suffering and pain. I am alive, and I have joy and peace on a daily basis. I have learned that pressure cookers are where the diamonds emerge. And I am a diamond in the rough by now, on his way to pure brilliance. And a sad, pathetic collection of malevolent individuals must confront the fact that THAT has been their chief impact on this so called "Targeted Individual victim."
Aware of these caveats, my partner and I nonetheless have carefully, and with much forethought and planning, told several close friends and confidants about being anonymously stalked and harassed, both verbally and electronically. Of course, we have told no one the full extent of this admittedly hard-to-comprehend scenario, but we relate what I think of as the "most likely to be understood" aspects of being stalked.
People we have told include:
1. Two close friends at my church
2. My partner's direct report and his supervisor
3. Two of my closest colleagues at work.
In each case, we have felt much trepidation launching these disclosures. But they all happened on the heels of a dramatic torturing activity that left me, quite frankly, suicidal. Folks closest to us knew we were dealing with something distressing and since my typical demeanor is calm, steady and optimistic, the people listed above were naturally curious about what was going on when my partner and I suddenly took off work so I could deal with this vicious attack and aftermath.
I don't say this without a lot of reflection, but in my opinion no one we have told does NOT believe us. Now, if I forthrightly explained a typical day in our lives, especially at the house where all manner of absurd bullshit is occurring almost every hour, our cred with these folks might be a big fat ZERO.
But I am thankful our story is out there, in limited, but judicious, fashion.
My deep hope and belief is that, one day in the next 20 years, this organized harassment will be exposed in a lawsuit by someone who manages to catch these motherfuckers at their perverse game. But until that time, the best we can do is:
1. Use this adversity as the most perfect opportunity ever given a person to deep dive spiritually, and to learn how one's integrity, perseverance, and humility can transform a nightmare into a true blessing and pathway for rapid personal growth. (I say this with all seriousness, as I have come to see nothing could have propelled me into the exciting, hopeful faith I now have in a Higher Power to help me literally transcend this hatred.
2. Describe our lives and our stories. Try to remain calm in the face of attacks and the various "freak out" tactics these sick people employ from time to time. But keep a detailed diary, and name names if you hear anyone's name being referred to during the harassment you hear. (My chief perps until recently have been Rick and Ron, and I delight in the possibility that one day I will find their names on a felons list.)
3. Consider your trials and tribulations in the context of the greater world of suffering and pain. I am alive, and I have joy and peace on a daily basis. I have learned that pressure cookers are where the diamonds emerge. And I am a diamond in the rough by now, on his way to pure brilliance. And a sad, pathetic collection of malevolent individuals must confront the fact that THAT has been their chief impact on this so called "Targeted Individual victim."
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